Today & My Mom
Today I received a message through facebook from my cousin Melissa that read as follows:
Hey cousin. i was talkin to Aunt Brenda and she really misses you. i think you would make her year just by giving her a call, she loves you and she loves her grand daughters. she hopes you can find it in your heart to forgive her. you're a mom, what would you do if you were in Aunt B's situation? wouldn't you want your kids to call you?
love ya always,
Melissa
Melissa and I don't really know each other. Just what our own family have told us of each other. She is 12 years younger than I am and since I was never really part of the family many of my cousins never got to know me or anything I was about. Nor did any of them know about any of the things I have written here in my blog. Hence the plea for me to call my mother I suppose. Just a note Melissa if you read this, not trying to be mean but I didn't care to know. I was happy living life without knowledge of how much my mother was hurting.
Here's my message back to Melissa:
Hey Melissa.
It's nice of you to want to try to fix my mother and I's relationship. You don't really know me and I'm sure you assume this to be an easy thing to fix. It's not. You know my mother, her illnesses, and you want to see her happy. I understand that.
Yes. I'm a mom and of course I would want my kids to call me. My relationship with my daughters is much different than that of the one with my mother. I actually have a relationship with my daughters. My daughters are also number ONE in my life. I was last in my mothers life.
Your lucky Melissa. You have a family. I never had a family. My mother was taken from me at the age of nine. I was never invited to Birthdays, holidays, not even Christmas. I had to create my own family which, thanks to God I have finally been able to accomplish. Perhaps in your moments of boredom you could go read my blog and maybe understand a small amount of what it was like growing up me. www.accordingtoamanda.com
Your a sweet girl and I'm sorry that my mother has to feel that pain of losing a daughter. Think to yourself though. Is she sad that I no longer talk to her or is the guilt of turning her back me so many years ago finally come to give her the pain that her daughter has had to deal with for so many years, alone.
Thank you for letting me know that my mother is thinking of me.
Tell your mother hello for me.
Sincerely,
Amanda
For many years my mother has been sick. She has Manic Depression or Bipolar disorder, Lupus and Diabetes. For the most part, the only reason I kept my mother in my life for so long. Or maybe is was the desperate attempt of a daughter to cling to the idea that her mother may someday be a mother.
Well mom, that never happened did it.
About a month before I moved I asked my mother for help. You can imagine, I haven't asked my mother for much help over the years. When I talked to her about the favor I needed from her I specifically told her NOT to mention it to Scott, my stepfather. I knew that if he knew I needed anything from my mother he'd make sure that it didn't happen. To my surprise my mother agreed to the terms and to help me. The day it came down to it, I picked her up just to hear her tell me she couldn't do it cause she told Scott and he said no. I should have known better than to try to rely on my mother for anything.
At first I was disappointed and told my mother not to worry about it. The more I thought about it though the more I realized that she had NEVER helped me with anything. Not with cooking my first meal, to boys and dating to protecting me from the fucking monster she called her husband. NOTHING! So what kind of fucking brain fart was I having the day I thought she'd help me, for real.
None the less. I dropped her off that day after treating her to lunch and haven't spoke to her since.
Today was the first of my mother I've heard of and it's been over a year.
Don't get me wrong. I love my mother despite everything. I just learned to remove the negativity from your life no matter what or who it may be to be able to move on stronger and happier.
Am I going to call her? I don't know. I was thinking about what I should do. I don't want to get into all the years of pain I hold within with her. She doesn't need that. Perhaps I will write my mother a letter and send her pictures. I'll think about everything and decide when I decide.
Hey cousin. i was talkin to Aunt Brenda and she really misses you. i think you would make her year just by giving her a call, she loves you and she loves her grand daughters. she hopes you can find it in your heart to forgive her. you're a mom, what would you do if you were in Aunt B's situation? wouldn't you want your kids to call you?
love ya always,
Melissa
Melissa and I don't really know each other. Just what our own family have told us of each other. She is 12 years younger than I am and since I was never really part of the family many of my cousins never got to know me or anything I was about. Nor did any of them know about any of the things I have written here in my blog. Hence the plea for me to call my mother I suppose. Just a note Melissa if you read this, not trying to be mean but I didn't care to know. I was happy living life without knowledge of how much my mother was hurting.
Here's my message back to Melissa:
Hey Melissa.
It's nice of you to want to try to fix my mother and I's relationship. You don't really know me and I'm sure you assume this to be an easy thing to fix. It's not. You know my mother, her illnesses, and you want to see her happy. I understand that.
Yes. I'm a mom and of course I would want my kids to call me. My relationship with my daughters is much different than that of the one with my mother. I actually have a relationship with my daughters. My daughters are also number ONE in my life. I was last in my mothers life.
Your lucky Melissa. You have a family. I never had a family. My mother was taken from me at the age of nine. I was never invited to Birthdays, holidays, not even Christmas. I had to create my own family which, thanks to God I have finally been able to accomplish. Perhaps in your moments of boredom you could go read my blog and maybe understand a small amount of what it was like growing up me. www.accordingtoamanda.com
Your a sweet girl and I'm sorry that my mother has to feel that pain of losing a daughter. Think to yourself though. Is she sad that I no longer talk to her or is the guilt of turning her back me so many years ago finally come to give her the pain that her daughter has had to deal with for so many years, alone.
Thank you for letting me know that my mother is thinking of me.
Tell your mother hello for me.
Sincerely,
Amanda
For many years my mother has been sick. She has Manic Depression or Bipolar disorder, Lupus and Diabetes. For the most part, the only reason I kept my mother in my life for so long. Or maybe is was the desperate attempt of a daughter to cling to the idea that her mother may someday be a mother.
Well mom, that never happened did it.
About a month before I moved I asked my mother for help. You can imagine, I haven't asked my mother for much help over the years. When I talked to her about the favor I needed from her I specifically told her NOT to mention it to Scott, my stepfather. I knew that if he knew I needed anything from my mother he'd make sure that it didn't happen. To my surprise my mother agreed to the terms and to help me. The day it came down to it, I picked her up just to hear her tell me she couldn't do it cause she told Scott and he said no. I should have known better than to try to rely on my mother for anything.
At first I was disappointed and told my mother not to worry about it. The more I thought about it though the more I realized that she had NEVER helped me with anything. Not with cooking my first meal, to boys and dating to protecting me from the fucking monster she called her husband. NOTHING! So what kind of fucking brain fart was I having the day I thought she'd help me, for real.
None the less. I dropped her off that day after treating her to lunch and haven't spoke to her since.
Today was the first of my mother I've heard of and it's been over a year.
Don't get me wrong. I love my mother despite everything. I just learned to remove the negativity from your life no matter what or who it may be to be able to move on stronger and happier.
Am I going to call her? I don't know. I was thinking about what I should do. I don't want to get into all the years of pain I hold within with her. She doesn't need that. Perhaps I will write my mother a letter and send her pictures. I'll think about everything and decide when I decide.
Oh my dear Amanda..lol
The life we live is not for the weak is it?
I get it...and speaking from someone who has just as much of a fucked up family, as you know all to well. I get that need for family and I get the need to put your own feelings aside to help others and to let go of the past for others sakes and to try to have a good relationship. Oh yea and learn from them..bla bla fucking bla..
But you know what...send your letter but I would leave it at that for right now. You have given to much of your life for others and it is high time that you think of yourself and your children first. You need to live your life in the present and not in the past. The problem is, since she has not changed the past is always going to be there.
This is only my bitter words and feelings from my own experience from my own child hood. But since we have walked that same lonely, deserted and cold path in life, I thought my advise might make some sort of since.
Love always your “sis”
Chris
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Perhaps you should mail her a letter with no return address. Send out somethign that will make her feel a little better without having to recieve a painful response in return.
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