The Sex Talk - OMG
So what would you do if your 13 year old girl came to you and told you her friend, also 13, told your daughter that she had had sex with her boyfriend without a condom the night before? Would you tell her to no longer hang around that friend? Would you get flustered? Scared? Angry?
Well I was faced with just that statement a couple weeks ago.
My daughter Faith and I have a very trusting relationship. We are able to talk openly about anything mostly due to past circumstances which I have yet to discuss here in my blog. It was, however, still a surprise that she came to me and confessed what her friend had bragged to her that very morning. As a parent who has had the "tip toe around the details Sex Talk" with her teenagers, I was relieved that when it came right down to it that my daughter actually trusted me enough to come to me with such a huge issue that she had been entrusted with. I know I certainly wouldn't have gone to my mother.
Faith was completely shocked that someone her age had actually had sex. And not only sex but unprotected sex. I asked Faith what she thought of what her friend had told her. She replied that she had told her friend how disappointed she was in her for having sex and how irresponible it was for her friend to not even care for herself enough to protect herself. She then told me that her friend had also told Ranisha, my other daughter, so I brought Ranisha into the conversation.
Ranisha didn't participate too much in the conversation. I think she finds it more uncomfortable to talk to me about such things. Faith, on the other hand, has a different bond with me and seems to be able to open up to about things much better than her twin. I still talk to them about the same things in the same manner and hope that even if I can't get through to Ranisha that her sister will be there to enforce the information I have to share with them.
It was time, in my opinion, to be completely open on the sex issue. I made it completely clear that I was not going to tell them that they were not allowed to have sex but instead I told them that I hoped that I had raised them to have enough self respect and enough self love that they would wait until they were ready for such a big step in life. That it was a moment in life they could never take back. They could never have that moment to do over.
I then explained that if and when they were in a relationship with a boy (they've been told no dating till at least 15) and they thought that maybe things may progress to a sexual level, be it sex or oral sex that I didn't want to know but I would like them to have birth control pills and to never, never, never do anything without a condom. That lead us to my computer where I told them that teenage pregnancy was the least of their worries. I did a search on Yahoo for sexually transmitted diseases and went right to the pictures. After reading through the more commonly known diseases, I then explained to them AIDS.
You may not agree with my methods and honestly I don't give a shit. My thoughts behind my thinking is that teenagers will do what they want no matter what their parents tell them. You see it everyday. From sex to drugs to alcohol to smoking. They'll do it just to spite their parents. What their parents aren't doing is being honest and open with their kids. I'm trying something different than what my parents did with me. Maybe if my mother or someone, anyone had talked to me about sex and the consequences of what could have happened or drugs or alcohol I may have made different chooses. I'll never know. My children on the other hand will make informed decisions. They will know what the consequences of their actions may be. So that when it is time for them to make those decisions that their knowledge combined with their self love and respect will influence those decisions and not ignorance or loathing of a parent or a search for love. I love my daughters way to much to leave them unprepared and at risk. How could a parent live if their child came to them because they had made a mistake and ended up with a disease or AIDS because that parent never prepared their son or daughter for the harsh realities that lie just on the other side of that door. I couldn't live with that.
It's funny. When your planning to have kids you have a set path or plan for the type of parent you want to be and the type of person your child will hopefully grow up to be. Then as the years go by and things happen and circumstances change so does your parenting style, so does the child change.
I've made several changes as a parent from the way I was raised. In fact, my parenting book is being written day by day based off the notion of not being like my mother. I have ended a relationship and a marriage because of my girls. I have cut family ties to keep them from being hurt the way I had been. The one thing my girls know, without a doubt, is that I will always be their rock. They know, know matter what, I will always love them and be there for them . . if no one else, I will be there through it all. I am the beginning of the family that I have always wanted and within them I hope to instill the values I wish my own mother and family would have instilled in me.
My daughters are my world. There is no love like that of mine for them. I know, with no doubt, that if I were to die tomorrow my daughters will go on living and knowing that I loved them with everything I had. With that knowledge I know as a parent I'm doing a pretty good job.
***********************************************
Post your comments or email me at amanda@accordingtoamanda.com I look forward to hearing what you have to say. =)
If you like this article or any other article I've written so far why not click the Digg.com button below and let other's know what you think. Thanks, Amanda.
Well I was faced with just that statement a couple weeks ago.
My daughter Faith and I have a very trusting relationship. We are able to talk openly about anything mostly due to past circumstances which I have yet to discuss here in my blog. It was, however, still a surprise that she came to me and confessed what her friend had bragged to her that very morning. As a parent who has had the "tip toe around the details Sex Talk" with her teenagers, I was relieved that when it came right down to it that my daughter actually trusted me enough to come to me with such a huge issue that she had been entrusted with. I know I certainly wouldn't have gone to my mother.
Faith was completely shocked that someone her age had actually had sex. And not only sex but unprotected sex. I asked Faith what she thought of what her friend had told her. She replied that she had told her friend how disappointed she was in her for having sex and how irresponible it was for her friend to not even care for herself enough to protect herself. She then told me that her friend had also told Ranisha, my other daughter, so I brought Ranisha into the conversation.
Ranisha didn't participate too much in the conversation. I think she finds it more uncomfortable to talk to me about such things. Faith, on the other hand, has a different bond with me and seems to be able to open up to about things much better than her twin. I still talk to them about the same things in the same manner and hope that even if I can't get through to Ranisha that her sister will be there to enforce the information I have to share with them.
It was time, in my opinion, to be completely open on the sex issue. I made it completely clear that I was not going to tell them that they were not allowed to have sex but instead I told them that I hoped that I had raised them to have enough self respect and enough self love that they would wait until they were ready for such a big step in life. That it was a moment in life they could never take back. They could never have that moment to do over.
I then explained that if and when they were in a relationship with a boy (they've been told no dating till at least 15) and they thought that maybe things may progress to a sexual level, be it sex or oral sex that I didn't want to know but I would like them to have birth control pills and to never, never, never do anything without a condom. That lead us to my computer where I told them that teenage pregnancy was the least of their worries. I did a search on Yahoo for sexually transmitted diseases and went right to the pictures. After reading through the more commonly known diseases, I then explained to them AIDS.
You may not agree with my methods and honestly I don't give a shit. My thoughts behind my thinking is that teenagers will do what they want no matter what their parents tell them. You see it everyday. From sex to drugs to alcohol to smoking. They'll do it just to spite their parents. What their parents aren't doing is being honest and open with their kids. I'm trying something different than what my parents did with me. Maybe if my mother or someone, anyone had talked to me about sex and the consequences of what could have happened or drugs or alcohol I may have made different chooses. I'll never know. My children on the other hand will make informed decisions. They will know what the consequences of their actions may be. So that when it is time for them to make those decisions that their knowledge combined with their self love and respect will influence those decisions and not ignorance or loathing of a parent or a search for love. I love my daughters way to much to leave them unprepared and at risk. How could a parent live if their child came to them because they had made a mistake and ended up with a disease or AIDS because that parent never prepared their son or daughter for the harsh realities that lie just on the other side of that door. I couldn't live with that.
It's funny. When your planning to have kids you have a set path or plan for the type of parent you want to be and the type of person your child will hopefully grow up to be. Then as the years go by and things happen and circumstances change so does your parenting style, so does the child change.
I've made several changes as a parent from the way I was raised. In fact, my parenting book is being written day by day based off the notion of not being like my mother. I have ended a relationship and a marriage because of my girls. I have cut family ties to keep them from being hurt the way I had been. The one thing my girls know, without a doubt, is that I will always be their rock. They know, know matter what, I will always love them and be there for them . . if no one else, I will be there through it all. I am the beginning of the family that I have always wanted and within them I hope to instill the values I wish my own mother and family would have instilled in me.
My daughters are my world. There is no love like that of mine for them. I know, with no doubt, that if I were to die tomorrow my daughters will go on living and knowing that I loved them with everything I had. With that knowledge I know as a parent I'm doing a pretty good job.
***********************************************
Post your comments or email me at amanda@accordingtoamanda.com I look forward to hearing what you have to say. =)
If you like this article or any other article I've written so far why not click the Digg.com button below and let other's know what you think. Thanks, Amanda.
I recently came accross your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I dont know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.
Julissa
http://www.hairweavingbasics.com
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Wow... I think you handled that conversation very well, Amanda. And it sounds like Faith is one smart little girl. Showing them the pictures online is a great idea cuz it's real - harsh, but real... they'll (hopefully) think of those pictures should they ever find themselves in a situation where they are being pressured and reassured that "it's okay". I know that simply listening to what my mom went through as a wayyy-too-young mother kept me from having sex until I was ready - and I was 20 yrs old when I finally made that choice.
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