According to Amanda

Teen Smoking in Canadian High Schools

2009-12-06T20:14:00Z

What is it with teens smoking on school property in this day and age? Not only is it against the law but with all the medical information out there now-a-days it almost seems worse then when I went to school in the 80's and 90's. And where are the school representatives? Teachers, Vice Principle, Principle? No one seems to care that this is happening at an alarming rate.

My twin daughters started going to a new school here in London, Ontario this year called London South Collegiate School. Despite being told that it is one of the best high schools here in London I have to question how people have formed that impression, because in my opinion, if this is one of the best schools in London, then the education system here is greatly lacking. Not to mention the health of the students certainly doesn't take precedence.

The previous two years my daughters attended school in the US. In fact, schools rated "Excellent with Distinction". Schools where the students are encouraged to participate in the school/community or the activities provided by the school. For example, the many teams and extra activities the school offers to wearing the team or school colors one day per week to attending the games. This really gave my daughters a feeling of belonging to a community within their community. And this doesn't start in Middle school, this is bred into the children from the moment they start school in Kindergarten. Which could be a good reason most of the kids that attend these schools have a higher sense of self. The teachers/administration also seem to have a greater responsibility toward the children that attend the schools and take school offenses very seriously.

Within a week of dropping my kids off and picking them up everyday from their new school I noticed one large difference. The kids at this school blatantly smoked within feet of the doors of the school and the signs that state "No Smoking on School Property" and quoting some provincial ordinance. Not only is this a school policy but it's the law. In fact most, if not all places in Canada/USA have a law in place that prohibits young people under the age of 18 from purchasing cigarettes let alone allowing them to smoke right in front of the school doors.

I certainly don't want this to turn into an article on who has the better educational system or which country cares more for the well being of it's kids. That's not the point in this article. The point I am getting to is this, Why would any school allow it's students to smoke on school property? Why not put a bar in the school and allow the kids to shoot back a couple vodka shots at lunch?

Why should I have to drop my kids off in the morning or pick them up after school just for them to have to walk through the fog of second hand smoke being forced upon them? And it's not like the school is unaware. If fact on a few occasions when picking up my daughters the Vice Principle was standing out there with the smoking students. Certainly not passing out detentions or discouraging the behaviour. I didn't see any students hiding the fact that they were lighting up or tossing the remains of their destructive behaviour to save themselves from the consequences that may have been coming with the Vice Principle standing there. The students continued puffing away as if it was their right to destroy their own bodies, infect those around them and break laws in the process.

Another question would be, Why are school administrators allowing this to happen? Why is it day in and day out teens continue to blatantly smoke on school property without a word spoken to them? Is it because the school administrators or teachers don't feel this is an important enough issue to take a stand on? After all it is ONLY the health and well being of the rest of the student population being forced to breath the second hand smoke clouding the school. Isn't that why people can no longer light up in restaurants or bars or on hospital properties across this nation? To give the general population a fighting chance against the numerous diseases caused by second hand smoke. Then why allow 13-18 year olds to infect our kids everyday at the one institution that is supposed to be protecting them and molding them into our next generation of leaders?

London South, I am sure, is not the only school with this problem. Although I cannot speak for other schools in Ontario or across Canada for that matter as I have not witnessed this first hand else where but I am 99% sure it is going on. Why, as a parent, should I support such behaviour? From the young people or from the school? I shouldn't and neither should you! It is an outrage that we idly sit back and have to wait for school administrators or community administrators to finally do something. This is an intolerable issue that should be taken seriously and harsh punishments handed out for. Starting with detention, calls home, suspension and even fines sent home to the parents that are so oblivious to their kids behaviour that perhaps a wake up call is needed. And to the administration that sits back and lets it happen on a daily basis, shame on you! It is not only your job to discourage smoking on school property it is the law that you stop smoking from happening on school property. Don't just hang a sign out on the walls of the school and expect young people to listen. Get involved and do something! Protect ALL the students and enforce the law!

If this is happening in your community, at your kids schools and you feel helpless - DON'T! Contact the school first, if that doesn't work, contact your Mayor's office and get direction from them on what can be done to enforce the law and finally if that seems like a waste of time contact your local news office. I'm sure this is a news worthy enough story to tell. As parents our responsibility does not stop at the front door when our kids leave. It is a 24 hour job. And we DO have the power to protect them no matter where they may be.

Have comments? Contact me with your opinions. Or if you like the article please link me with one of the below links.

H1N1 - Is it really that big of a deal?

2009-11-22T19:00:00Z

This past week has been quite interesting to say the least. But for now I am only going to touch on Thursday past.

My question is this, Do hospitals really care about the H1N1 flu pandemic?

Let me explain my thoughts on this . . .

I woke up Thursday morning with my chest feeling heavy, almost like I had smoked 2 packs of cigarettes over night. Within a few hours I felt extremely fatigued and by 5pm I headed to bed because I could not keep my eyes open any longer. I woke up at 8:30pm feeling ten times worse than when I crawled into bed just a few hours before. Now my hips, shoulders, upper arms and thighs were all aching, my chest felt like it was on fire, I could barely breathe and I felt very weak. My hubby called me and I couldn't even bare to sit at my desk to talk to him my hips hurt so badly, he told me I should go to the hospital just in case it was H1N1, especially since I have three kids who we certainly do not want to see come down with something like that horrid flu. I crawled into a little ball on the couch didn't move a thing as I drank my orange juice. By 9pm I started getting the chills and decided it might be a good idea to take my temperature. 104.9F! Well it was definitely time to head to the hospital. But first I took 2 Tylenol and 10 minutes later took 2 Advil.

Luckily there's an emergency only about 5 minutes from my house here in London, Victoria Hospital. I grabbed a face mask on the way in, got registered at 10pm and then told to sit in the little glass room for highly infected individuals. I was surprisingly the only one in there, with my sister Christea who gracially came along to keep me company.

After 3 hours of sitting there watching the nurses chat, eat and carry on (awesome to see our tax dollars at work), I was then invited into the back and given my own little bed. After about 30 minutes the nurse that escorted us back into the treatment area came back to take a peek on us. We asked her if they were going to test me for H1N1 and she gave a little chuckle and said that they don't test people anymore, it's too expensive. She said, "Can you imagine if we tested everyone that came through the doors with flu systems?" She said they basically just assume that they/we all have H1N1 and treat them accordingly by sending them home to take Tylenol/Advil and should the symtoms get worse have them come back. Come back?? For what?? They don't bother to test people anymore and with the 4 to 6+ hours of waiting, I'm not surprised people have died from this flu.

So let me ask this. How and where are Canadians really getting their info? How can flu statistics be accurate if they are NO LONGER testing people?? And what the hell is the point in making people sit in a cold, glassed in room for hours just to tell them in the end to "Just go home and take meds you can buy over the counter!" I wasted my time & gas to end up treating this flu just like any other.

If you have thoughts on this please feel free to leave me your comments.

Amanda =)
amanda@accordingtoamanda.com

How The Swine Flu Got Started

2009-05-05T19:10:00Z

This might explain how the "Swine Flu" started . . . . .

Special thanks to Brenda for this mid-day chuckle! =)

Amanda

Day 5 - Week 1

2009-05-05T11:45:00Z

Friday Day 5 - Week 1

Here's how I did today.

Food Name	Amount	Unit	Cals	Fat (g)	Carbs (g)	Prot (g)	Delete
		Total	1,070	20.4	179.0	54.2
Banana, raw	1	small (6" to 6-7/8" long)	90	0.3	23.1	1.1
Boca Burger	1	serving	120	5.0	6.0	14.0
Mustard	1	teaspoon	3	0.2	0.3	0.2
Cucumber pickles, dill, reduced salt	2	slice	1	0.0	0.3	0.0
Lettuce, raw	1	small leaf	1	0.0	0.1	0.0
Spinach, raw	10	leaf	23	0.4	3.6	2.9
Multi Grain Rounds	1	serving	100	1.0	22.0	4.0
Onions, mature, raw	1	thin slice	4	0.0	0.8	0.1
Lettuce, raw	4	cup, shredded or chopped	31	0.3	6.5	2.0
Spinach, raw	1	cup	7	0.1	1.1	0.9
Cabbage, red, raw	0.2	cup, shredded	4	0.0	1.0	0.2
Carrots, raw	0.25	cup, chopped	13	0.1	3.1	0.3
Salad dressing, ranch dressing, reduced fat	2	tablespoon	66	5.2	4.9	0.3
Pepper, sweet, red, raw	0.25	cup, sliced	6	0.1	1.4	0.2
Apple, raw	1	medium (2-3/4" dia) (approx 3 per lb)	72	0.2	19.1	0.4
Turkey Cheddar Sausage	1	serving	120	6.0	4.0	10.0
Potatoes, red, flesh and skin, baked	1	potato medium (2-1/4" to 3-1/4" dia.)	154	0.3	33.9	4.0
Milk, nonfat, fluid, protein fortified, with added vitamin A...	12	oz	139	0.9	18.9	13.5
Apple juice	1	cup	117	0.3	29.0	0.1
		Total	1,070	20.4	179.0	54.2

	Grams	Calories	%-Cals
Calories		1,070
Fat	20.4	181	17	%
Saturated	4.9	43	4	%
Polyunsaturated	4.2	37	3	%
Monounsaturated	3.6	32	3	%
Carbohydrate	179.0	687	64	%
Dietary Fiber	27.3
Protein	54.2	209	19	%
Alcohol	0.0	0	0	%

Exercise : 3 mile walk

Day 4 - Week 1

2009-05-04T15:55:00Z

Thursday Day 4 - Week 1

Today didn't go so well as far as my food choose's want. I skipped lunch while I was cleaning the house and doing laundry. Just didn't think about it I guess. I used to always skip breakfast except on weekends when I'd make my hubby and me toasted egg sandwiches with bacon, lettuce mayo, onions, tomatoes and cheese. I no longer eat them. However I could as long as I thought healthy and used multigrain or whole wheat toast, 2 egg whites, tomato, lettuce, onion and simply leave out the cheese and mayo. For extra flavor a good alternative would be 1 tbsp of low fat cottage cheese on the toast. Plus you could add spinach to the egg whites. Mmmmm, I might just try that this week some time.

Ok so here's how I did today.

Food Name	Amount	Unit	Cals	Fat (g)	Carbs (g)	Prot (g)	Delete
		Total	1,122	32.2	51.2	46.3
Bread, multigrain, toasted	2	thin slice	114	1.7	21.2	4.6
Peanut butter	0.25	tablespoon	24	2.0	0.8	1.0
Pork chop, fried	8	oz, with bone, cooked (yield after bone removed)	425	28.1	0.0	40.1
Alcoholic beverage, distilled, vodka, 80 proof	7	fl oz	450	0.0	0.0	0.0
Apple, raw	2	small (2-1/2" dia) (approx 4 per lb)	110	0.4	29.3	0.6
		Total	1,122	32.2	51.2	46.3

	Grams	Calories	%-Cals
Calories		1,122
Fat	32.2	289	26	%
Saturated	11.2	100	9	%
Polyunsaturated	4.3	38	3	%
Monounsaturated	13.8	124	11	%
Carbohydrate	51.2	193	17	%
Dietary Fiber	8.1
Protein	46.3	195	17	%
Alcohol	65.0	450	40	%

Exercise : 1 hour 10 minutes Tredmill lvl 4

Day 3 - Week 1

2009-05-03T14:51:00Z

Wednesday is Day 3 of Week 1.

Instead of breaking my food down into meals, it is much easier for me and takes a lot less time to just copy and paste my info from www.FitDay.com where I keep track of my daily foods. It's a great place to keep track of your daily totals and to mark your progress.

Ok so here's how I did today.

Food Name	Amount	Unit	Cals	Fat (g)	Carbs (g)	Prot (g)	Delete
		Total	1,123	19.4	92.4	139.7
Total	1	cup	133	0.7	30.9	2.7
Milk, nonfat, fluid, with added nonfat milk solids and vitam...	0.5	cup	45	0.3	6.1	4.4
Fish, cooked	3	oz, boneless, cooked	95	1.0	0.0	19.8
Bread, multigrain	2	thin slice	115	1.7	21.3	4.6
Tomatoes, raw	1	thin/small slice	3	0.0	0.6	0.1
Onions, mature, raw	1	thin slice	4	0.0	0.8	0.1
Chicken, breast, skin not eaten	12	oz, boneless, cooked, skinless	550	11.9	0.0	103.4
Beans, string, green, cooked, from canned	20	beans	55	3.5	5.5	1.5
Potatoes, red, flesh and skin, baked	1	potato small (1-3/4" to 2-1/2" dia.)	123	0.2	27.0	3.2
		Total	1,123	19.4	92.4	139.7

	Grams	Calories	%-Cals
Calories		1,123
Fat	19.4	174	15	%
Saturated	5.0	45	4	%
Polyunsaturated	4.8	43	4	%
Monounsaturated	6.8	61	5	%
Carbohydrate	92.4	364	32	%
Dietary Fiber	12.2
Protein	139.7	589	52	%
Alcohol	0.0	0	0	%

Exercise : 30 minutes on Stationary Bike
35 minutes on Tredmill at lvl 4

Day 2 - Week 1

2009-05-01T13:35:00Z

Tuesday was Day 2 - Week 1

Here's how my day went.

Breakfast : 1 Cup of Total Whole Grain Cereal with 1/2 cup of Fat Free Milk
                     Calories = 165                    0.5g Fat
                     Sodium = 10% DV              Carbs = 10% DV
                     Protein = 6g                         Dietary Fiber = 4g - 11% DV
                     *** There is also almost a full days worth of vitamins and minerals in Total Cereal.

Mid Morning : Had no Snack

Lunch : One 4oz fillet of Mahi Mahi fish = 96 Calories - 1g Fat - 16g Protein
               2 cups salad mix with 2 cups of fresh spinach = 27 Calories - 0g Fat - 2g Dietary Fiber - plus more
               1 tbsp Low Fat Ranch dressing = 40 Calories - 3.5g Fat - plus more
               1/2 Cup Low Fat Cottage Cheese = 80 Calories - 1g Fat - 13g Protein
               *** Total Meal = 243 Calories - 5.5g Fat
               If you were still hungry after this meal, simply add more salad to the meal or finish it off with you favorite fresh fruit.

Mid Afternoon : 1 Small 6" Banana
                       1/2 Cup Low Fat Cottage Cheese
                       1 Cup Fat Free Milk
                       *** Total Snack = 260 Calories - 1.3g Fat

Supper : Mahi Mahi Fish Sandwich
                        One 4oz Mahi Mahi Fish Fillet = 96 Calories - 1g Fat - 16g Protein
                        MultiGrain Sandwich Thin Round = 100 Calories - 1g Fat - 5g Dietary Fiber - 4g Protein - plus more
                        1tsp Mustard - 0 everything
                        1tsp Dill Relish - 0 everything
                        1 slice tomato
                        1 slice red onion
                        6 lg spinach leaves
                        1 large leaf lettuce
                4 Cups salad mix with 1 cup of raw spinach = 38 Calories - 0g Fat - 4g Dietary Fiber - plus more
                1 tbsp Low Fat Ranch Dressing = 40 Calories - 3.5g Fat - plus more
                *** Total Meal = 274 Calories - 5.5g Fat

Evening - 2 double vodka & sprite zero = 256 Calories - 0g Fat

DAILY TOTALS = 1288 Calories - 13.1g Fat - 70.2g Protein - Plus much more including more than 100% of my daily vitamins & minerals. I also left a little room in case I had wanted an evening snack such as fresh fruit or a small evening salad.

Todays Exercise - 1 Hour on stationary bike.
                                       20 minutes Yoga
                                       35 minutes on Tredmill @ lvl 4
                                       30 minutes Upper body on gym circuit

Day 1 - Week 1

2009-04-29T14:07:00Z

Monday was Day 1 of week 1.

Most Nutritional information is based off a 2000 calorie/day diet. I am targeting 1000 - 1400 Calories/day. I fry all my meats with cooking spray or EVOO (extra virgin olive oil) on occasion and I use no salt. Instead I use Mrs. Dash Garlic & Herb Seasoning Blend. The Mrs. Dash tastes really good on fish.

Here's how my day went.

Breakfast : 1 Cup of Total Whole Grain Cereal with 1/2 cup of Fat Free Milk
                     Calories = 165                    0.5g Fat
                     Sodium = 10% DV              Carbs = 10% DV
                     Protein = 6g                         Dietary Fiber = 4g - 11% DV
                     *** There is also almost a full days worth of vitamins and minerals in Total Cereal.

Mid Morning :1 Small 6" Banana
                        Calories = 90                  0.3g Fat
                        Sodium = 1mg                Carbs = 23g - 8% DV
                        Protein = 1.1g                 Dietary Fiber = 2.6g 11% DV
                        Calcium = 5.1mg           Potassium = 361.6mg

Lunch : One 4oz fillet of Mahi Mahi fish = 96 Calories - 1g Fat - 16g Protein
               2 cups salad mix with 2 cups of fresh spinach = 27 Calories - 0g Fat - 2g Dietary Fiber - plus more
               1 tbsp Low Fat Ranch dressing = 40 Calories - 3.5g Fat - plus more
               1/2 Cup Low Fat Cottage Cheese = 80 Calories - 1g Fat - 13g Protein
               *** Total Meal = 243 Calories - 5.5g Fat
               If you were still hungry after this meal, simply add more salad to the meal or finish it off with you favorite fresh fruit.

Mid Afternoon : 1 Small 6" Banana
                       1/2 Cup Low Fat Cottage Cheese
                       1 Cup Fat Free Milk
                       *** Total Snack = 260 Calories - 1.3g Fat

Supper : Mahi Mahi Fish Sandwich
                        One 4oz Mahi Mahi Fish Fillet = 96 Calories - 1g Fat - 16g Protein
                        MultiGrain Sandwich Thin Round = 100 Calories - 1g Fat - 5g Dietary Fiber - 4g Protein - plus more
                        1tsp Mustard - 0 everything
                        1tsp Dill Relish - 0 everything
                        1 slice tomato
                        1 slice red onion
                        6 lg spinach leaves
                        1 large leaf lettuce
                4 Cups salad mix with 1 cup of raw spinach = 38 Calories - 0g Fat - 4g Dietary Fiber - plus more
                1 tbsp Low Fat Ranch Dressing = 40 Calories - 3.5g Fat - plus more
                *** Total Meal = 274 Calories - 5.5g Fat

DAILY TOTALS = 1032 Calories - 13.1g Fat - 70.2g Protein - Plus much more including more than 100% of my daily vitamins & minerals. I also left a little room in case I had wanted an evening snack such as fresh fruit or a small evening salad.

Todays Exercise - 1 Hour on stationary bike.

I also tend to have 2-4 cups of black coffee and approx. 48 fl. oz of water. I would eventually like to cut coffee down to 1 cup of coffee in the morning and switch over to green tea. Updates will come. =)

Mahi Mahi fish is a light, flaky white fish. It is very good as it takes on the flavors it is cooked with with no strong flavor of its own such as salmon or tuna which keep their unique flavors along with the spices or flavors added.

If you have any healthy meal or snack ideas please feel free to email them to me.

Amanda =)

Twitter - Are you kidding me?

2009-04-29T03:22:00Z

So a few months ago I joined Twitter.com but never really paid attention to it until recently. I added some of my favorite celebrities just to find out . . . . nothing.

Sure they all Twitter and Tweet but nothing that means anything to me. I mean honestly who cares that P.Diddy has a new video out called Diddy Doo that talks about how much he has and how much people should fear him ... blah blah fucking blah.

Or tonight for instance . . and these are taken from real posts . . mileycyruseating dinner with someone special or PerezHiltonWhat one of YOUR favorite "so-bad-it's-good" jokes? or once again [ iamdiddyTrying out a new drink I just made up called the sumertime!!!! CIROC VODKA and Pinapple juice!!!! Its that simple!!! THE SUMMER TIME!!! Go!!] P.Diddy talking about something completely out of the average persons thought process at this moment in time. I honestly think most Celebs think about Hollywood and forget that there really is a real world out there living real lives.

Seriously! Do I care? Do you care?

Let me know if following the retarded antics of Celebs makes you happier than knowing that they are just as real as we are. please send me your opinions on this.

Ok, nighty night all.

Amanda =)

Starting Weight - Before Picture

2009-04-28T14:05:00Z

Before I get started with progress reports, I figured I would post my current stats and pic. Each week I will post new stats and pics and hopefully if all goes well we'll all start to see the positive changes I am hoping for.

Me and my girls New Years Eve 12/31/05 & My Main Page image is me 12/22/05 I was about 155lbs at the time both these pictures were taken. And although I was smaller I was not in very good shape. I never worked out, I never ate healthy. That is what I hope to change this time. Lose the weight by getting my body in shape and eating things that are good for my body, mind and soul.

This is me just yesterday. I had my daughter take a picture of me to show everyone else what I'm starting with **sigh** again. I've been in this spot so often. This will be the last time!!

Starting Weight 224lbs
Height - 5'7" Chest - 42"
Waist - 42"
Hips - 53"
BMI - 35
Goal Weight - 150lbs

I'll be heading to the gym here shortly and I need to pick up a measuring tape so I can take all the measurements above. At that point I'll fill them in.

I'll be posting later today on yesterdays regime.

Amanda =)

READY! - It's Time to Change

2009-04-27T16:32:00Z

Here at accordingtoamanda.com I have spent much of my time sharing with you what it was like being me growing up (I'm sure I'll be sharing more in the future). As you all may realize it wasn't easy but I got through it and grew stronger as a person and in time as a mother because of it. Everyday I focus on moving forward and becoming a stronger, better person. One thing I have never really worked on though was the outer ME.

I've spent so much of my life overcoming the pains of my past and focusing on raising my daughters to be happy and healthy that I have left my own health to suffer. So over the past few months I have come to realize that my excuses need to stop and even though I may have many factors against me, it was time to do something. I'm not expecting it to be easy and as much as I wish it would all happen over night, I realize that it is going to take time, patience, commitment and determination.

A little over two years ago, December 2006 I started suffering with sever headaches that kept me up at night and my breasts started to swell and produce milk. I knew something wasn't quite right as I'd had my tubes clamped in 1999 and well you actually have to be having sex to get pregnant so I knew that the producing milk symptom definitely had to be connected to something else, no doubt hormonal. My doctor sent me for my very first mammogram, my breasts were healthy. I underwent blood work and a pap. The blood work showed my hormones a little out of wack and my pap came back with abnormal cells but that wasn't the kicker nor was it further explored. Then a CAT scan of my brain revealed I had Pituitary Tumor. At the time my doctor told me the tumor was only about 3mm big and nothing to worry about right now and that I should go about once a year to keep an eye on any growth that may or may not occur.

Two years later though I'm pretty sure that it has grown and played a large part in my gaining 50-60 lbs. In fact, 40lbs of the weight gain happened in about a 4 month time in the first winter and the rest has been more gradual since. I've also suffered from increased abdominal pain during my periods, clots the size of softballs, bleeding that causes me to change tampons every 10-15 minutes for about a day and periods that have lasted about a month. For instance, at the moment I have been spotting off and on for the last two weeks since my last period and I have cramps daily. I have no sugar and very little salt in my diet yet I suffer from evening foot/ankle swelling and morning face swelling. It was all this that has finally set in motion my need to get in shape and cut all the unhealthy food out of my diet.

In the last month I have started looking at the Nutritional Value in all the food I eat. I have cut out all red meat, switched regular pasta to whole grain, use ground turkey instead of ground hamburger, whole grain bread instead of white and have a good stock of fish in my freezer. Not to mention I eat more salads and greens than the average rabbit, lol. Last week I bought a gym membership at the local YMCA and since the weather is getting nicer go for walks and bike. I haven't lost anything yet but decided to share the good, the bad and the ugly on here with all of you. After all, what better support group then old friends full of ridicule and complete strangers that might just get motivated to get healthy right along with me. =)

Ok. I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to do this but I figure everyday, I will outline my food & exercise regimen. Eventually I'd like to add video and images to go with my workouts and cooking, we'll see when I can make that happen. I will however add recipes and Nutritional Value of most of what I eat and the meals I prepare for myself and my family. You didn't expect me to go healthy without dragging them along with me?!? lol

I also had one of my daughters take a picture of me today so I can post and each week I will post a new pic and weekly results. I won't be cheating or posting false out comes, that will get me no further ahead. I will however post, the good and bad. If a week goes by and I don't lose an ounce or if I gain, I post it. I can't control how my body will react to the lifestyle change, only time will tell. All I can hope is that I can build a strong support system through my family and here online with all of you. It's time for me to stop using my medical conditions as my crutch. This will not only be a good lesson for me but hopefully I will show my kids that no excuse is good enough to be unhealthy.

Starting tomorrow I will begin with posting my life changes. If I can help even just one other person make that life change along with me then this process will be a success for me. Please feel free to email or comment your recipes, pictures, progress ect and I'll be sure to add you if you like along side my own weekly progress.

Thanks to all who keep reading and welcome to all those who are just joining me.

Amanda =)

We're Back!

2009-04-02T20:39:00Z

WoW! Been a couple weeks with the site down but happy to announce . . . I'M BACK!

With chapter one of my book almost complete and work already started into chapter two, I am hoping that it will be ready for reviews by the end of the summer. Will it get published? Here's to keeping my fingers crossed!

I'll be updating soon!

YAY!

=)

About Me - Part 17

2009-02-22T03:26:00Z

February 21, 2009

OK, yeah, it's been a while since I have written in this blog. But tonight I was already crying BEFORE I started writing so I said fuck it, I may as well share to the world why. Attempt to share this huge pain I feel. This huge pain I feel in my heart every single fucking day of my life for the past three years.

Tonight my family and I watched Changling, starring Angelina Jolie (if you have NOT seen this movie, leave my blog now).

Quite honestly I expected her, (Angelina's character's) boy to be found at the end, but I guess thats the positive side of me coming through. I should have known better.

At the end of the movie, my youngest daughter commented, "I can't believe they never found him". I responded, " That's why I have always told you never to trust anyone without me telling you too". As the realization of that comment hit me, I cried and decided to share my thoughts here.

But in the end that advice never helped my family either.

This is a warning to all who have always thought, "Not me, that would never happen in my family".

Most of you have read all I've written of my upbringing, my family, it's never gotten any better. Hell I got married when I was 17, LOL . . . seriously would anyone in a normal family, in this day and age marry someone at that age . . . not likely.

Anyways . . . . . . you should probably understand a bit of the relationship between my father and I before I continue with what I want to finally get off my chest. I wanted, so badly, to explain more the circumstances in the years preceding these events so you had a better understanding of the pain I still, to this very day, hang on to. How hard it is for me to share a hurt that runs so very deep. Not just the relationship between my dad and I but my daughters and I.

Just before I married my first husband Michael, I like many other girls wanted their father to give them away but my father, my real father Roy Edward Gene Daniels told me that I was a disappointment to him and that he wouldn't step foot into any church, not for me, not for anyone. In fact, he said, they'd be lucky to get him into a church even after he was dead.

So in response to my father's declaration of refusal to give me away at my marriage to Michael, I wrote him a five page letter explaining my feelings toward him and of our relationship to that point. It wasn't pretty or candy coated. I was a 17 year old telling my father how I felt about his lack of response to the abuse I'd endured thanks to my stepfather, and all my feelings of abandonment as he chose his wife Linda, over me. Not just at that moment but at every moment from the time he left my mother for her many years before.

My father and I stopped talking for 3 years. Hind sight 20/20 . . . I would never had patched things with my father.

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My husband and I married in March 1991 despite losing a child to miscarriage on Valentines Day. In 1993 I wanted to have a child. We tried but I was told that I had Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. Look it up if you don't know what it is. The fertility specialist said in order for me to get pregnant, and for the fertility medication to work properly I would have to lose at least 20lbs of the 240lbs I weighed at the time. I wanted a baby badly so I tried to lose the weight. I believe I got down to about 218lbs when I started the fertility meds. Every morning I had to take my temperature. Before I got up. Before that morning pee, coffee, before anything. After five months of scheduled sex and a regiment, I was about done with trying to get pregnant. I was so sick of having scheduled sex during the sixth months I remember saying if it doesn't happen now I'm done. The night I'm pretty sure I got pregnant I went out with my friends and got drunk. I came home to my husband and had a great night of sex, not worrying about pregnancy, just wanting to feel the pure love that couples feel without all the added pressures of life around them.

A couple weeks later my period never showed. I was finally pregnant.

It would be in my fifth month that I would go for my first ultrasound and find out I was having twins. My stomach turned in a spiral of butterfly turns as the nurse said she wanted to make sure there wasn't a third baby hiding in there. When all was said and done, the excitement that flourished between Michael and I was amazing. We were both so scared but so very excited at the same time. Our love had never felt so strong as it did on that day.

The intense love we felt on that day would soon die off.

I delivered the twins two months early at 5lbs1oz and 5lbs 2/3oz.

Continued March 17, 2009

After the birth of my beautiful girls I spiraled into a deep depression. I hated everyone, even myself. My post baby body was the most discouraging. I weighed in at a whooping 280lbs just before giving birth and settled for the 260lbs I had to go home with. Two weeks later my girls came home. The nurse talked to me about the baby blues but I never expected it to hit me quite the way it did. In fact I didn't even realize I was going through it. All I new is that I was unhappy and angry all the time. It felt like I was all alone in the world. When Michael helped out I didn't want him to, when he didn't help out I felt like he was leaving everything to me. I must have driven him mad.

Looking back I felt like I was doing everything myself and the pressure kept building. Of course I realized later that it was my own fault for continually pushing people away.

Three months after giving birth to the twins I found out I was pregnant again. I cried knowing I could barely handle being a mother to the two I just had let alone adding another to the mix. I had an abortion.

Six months after my twins were born I asked Michael to leave, he's never forgiven me. Could anyone possibly understand that I simply had no love left inside of me. I was a ball of deep dark hatred. It was like I had a black hole in my chest and it consumed so much of me that I couldn't feel anything but hatred, pain and anger. I couldn't even fully enjoy being a new mom. Don't get me wrong, I loved my daughters, I just felt like I was living outside of my life.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

With in the first couple months after the girls were born my father and I started talking again. Linda and I also patched everything up. Linda had never had any of her own children so my daughters became the granddaughters she'd never have naturally.

I'll continue more soon. I wish I could tell the whole story here online about my life but then my book would be pointless. Which should also be finished *fingers crossed* by the end of the summer. =)

Thank you for coming and reading. If you have any comments or opinions please feel free to email me or click below.

Amanda =)

About Me - Part 16

2009-01-18T16:10:31Z

I was looking forward to my sweet 16th birthday. After all, it was an age that songs are written about. It's supposed to be a magical time in a girls life.

Life back at home started off pretty good. My mom and I started to form a relationship of sorts. My stepfather was cordial. Never loving or fatherly but not mean or hateful either. I guess he had decided to let me be for the meantime. Or maybe he had other things on the go.

My parents had a basement apartment in the house and the couple living there, Tristan and Tanya, seemed pretty nice. I didn't see much of Tristan but I hung out with Tanya on occasion. She worked at a retirement home which was located pretty close to the group home, Jubian House, which I had lived in. When she told me how much money she made I knew I needed to get a job there. A couple weeks later I left my job working at Tim Horton's and started working at the retirement home as a cleaner.

It was at this point that I was told by my stepfather that since I was working that I could help out with the bills. So from my part-time income I started paying $100 from each cheque. I barely made that from my bi-weekly pay cheque but I said nothing. I was so desperate to have something normal, that I said nothing.

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You wanna know why I never kept up with this blog? Why I let it go a couple months with nothing to say? It's certainly not because I have nothing to say or that I didn't want to say something. There is SO much more to say. The pain of saying it keeps me away more than anything else.

There is never a moment more than when I am writing this blog that I feel more alone in the world.

I wonder at times, if anyone can feel how I feel. If there is ANYONE out there that can possibly know how painful it is to go through life with almost no one to truly loves you. To say, I have no family . . except that which I choose to form myself.

After trying for so many years to please those around me. My friends, my family, my mother, my father. Everyone. In the end, it got me no where. None of it ever won me over a family. The world wonders why young people, teens,have babies. Maybe its because no one, or they feel, no one loves them the way they so desperately want to be loved. The way a child loves a mother. Unconditionally!

I have loved so many, even taken from myself to make sure others were happy and secure. In the end, the only person that suffered was me and maybe even my own children (my true source of any guilt I have today, all of it my own to carry). Sure maybe they did for a short time but it was me who cried many night alone, even more so in the last couple years.

Was there no one in my family that EVER truly loved me? Even today as I sit here at 35 years old and write this blog?

My phone doesn't ring. My email stays empty. My heart still yearns. Even at 35. I wish I wasn't the one showing my own daughters what a family is suppose to be based off how my family was and still is.

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Once you have children you are NOT you. You are them. You live for them. They are who you teach them to be. You fill them up with all you can, you teach them all you can, you show them all you can, you protect them from all you can . . . in the end you hope they are strong, responsible, successful people that thank you for showing them the way and help guild their children onto the same path you have lead them on.

That path has been lead by me. My twin 14 yr olds and my 10 yr old have no one but me and their stepfather Lars. We have shown my girls what love is. And I have made sure that my girls know, no matter what, I AM THEIR ROCK. I will NEVER leave them. I will love them and be there for them before all.

My daughters will ALWAYS be #1 to me! This they know, no matter what.

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A family or a tradition needs to begin somewhere or with someone. I am the beginnining of this family, the rock that will hold all in place. My daughters will never have to wonder if they can move back home or if their mother will help them . . . that is what I have been placed on this Earth to do. To love those who feel life has left them behind, including my own daughters who have or have had been left behind by their own Fathers and or family.

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I will write more tomorrow. I will try to keep up more with my blog. Please understand, the pain I feel when I write is very real and only becomes more painful the more I remember and write about.

<3

Amanda

Thank you all for listening. =)

The Sex Talk - OMG

2008-11-12T03:15:00Z

So what would you do if your 13 year old girl came to you and told you her friend, also 13, told your daughter that she had had sex with her boyfriend without a condom the night before? Would you tell her to no longer hang around that friend? Would you get flustered? Scared? Angry?

Well I was faced with just that statement a couple weeks ago.

My daughter Faith and I have a very trusting relationship. We are able to talk openly about anything mostly due to past circumstances which I have yet to discuss here in my blog. It was, however, still a surprise that she came to me and confessed what her friend had bragged to her that very morning. As a parent who has had the "tip toe around the details Sex Talk" with her teenagers, I was relieved that when it came right down to it that my daughter actually trusted me enough to come to me with such a huge issue that she had been entrusted with. I know I certainly wouldn't have gone to my mother.

Faith was completely shocked that someone her age had actually had sex. And not only sex but unprotected sex. I asked Faith what she thought of what her friend had told her. She replied that she had told her friend how disappointed she was in her for having sex and how irresponible it was for her friend to not even care for herself enough to protect herself. She then told me that her friend had also told Ranisha, my other daughter, so I brought Ranisha into the conversation.

Ranisha didn't participate too much in the conversation. I think she finds it more uncomfortable to talk to me about such things. Faith, on the other hand, has a different bond with me and seems to be able to open up to about things much better than her twin. I still talk to them about the same things in the same manner and hope that even if I can't get through to Ranisha that her sister will be there to enforce the information I have to share with them.

It was time, in my opinion, to be completely open on the sex issue. I made it completely clear that I was not going to tell them that they were not allowed to have sex but instead I told them that I hoped that I had raised them to have enough self respect and enough self love that they would wait until they were ready for such a big step in life. That it was a moment in life they could never take back. They could never have that moment to do over.

I then explained that if and when they were in a relationship with a boy (they've been told no dating till at least 15) and they thought that maybe things may progress to a sexual level, be it sex or oral sex that I didn't want to know but I would like them to have birth control pills and to never, never, never do anything without a condom. That lead us to my computer where I told them that teenage pregnancy was the least of their worries. I did a search on Yahoo for sexually transmitted diseases and went right to the pictures. After reading through the more commonly known diseases, I then explained to them AIDS.

You may not agree with my methods and honestly I don't give a shit. My thoughts behind my thinking is that teenagers will do what they want no matter what their parents tell them. You see it everyday. From sex to drugs to alcohol to smoking. They'll do it just to spite their parents. What their parents aren't doing is being honest and open with their kids. I'm trying something different than what my parents did with me. Maybe if my mother or someone, anyone had talked to me about sex and the consequences of what could have happened or drugs or alcohol I may have made different chooses. I'll never know. My children on the other hand will make informed decisions. They will know what the consequences of their actions may be. So that when it is time for them to make those decisions that their knowledge combined with their self love and respect will influence those decisions and not ignorance or loathing of a parent or a search for love. I love my daughters way to much to leave them unprepared and at risk. How could a parent live if their child came to them because they had made a mistake and ended up with a disease or AIDS because that parent never prepared their son or daughter for the harsh realities that lie just on the other side of that door. I couldn't live with that.

It's funny. When your planning to have kids you have a set path or plan for the type of parent you want to be and the type of person your child will hopefully grow up to be. Then as the years go by and things happen and circumstances change so does your parenting style, so does the child change.

I've made several changes as a parent from the way I was raised. In fact, my parenting book is being written day by day based off the notion of not being like my mother. I have ended a relationship and a marriage because of my girls. I have cut family ties to keep them from being hurt the way I had been. The one thing my girls know, without a doubt, is that I will always be their rock. They know, know matter what, I will always love them and be there for them . . if no one else, I will be there through it all. I am the beginning of the family that I have always wanted and within them I hope to instill the values I wish my own mother and family would have instilled in me.

My daughters are my world. There is no love like that of mine for them. I know, with no doubt, that if I were to die tomorrow my daughters will go on living and knowing that I loved them with everything I had. With that knowledge I know as a parent I'm doing a pretty good job.

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Post your comments or email me at amanda@accordingtoamanda.com I look forward to hearing what you have to say. =)

If you like this article or any other article I've written so far why not click the Digg.com button below and let other's know what you think. Thanks, Amanda.

About Me - Part 15

2008-10-06T17:41:00Z

The summer before I moved back home was one of my more memorable summers of my teenage hood.

That summer was the first time I saw the Aurora Borealis while I was at a camp for "troubled" youth. In other words, a camp for kids in group homes and foster care. The lights in the sky were beautiful. Something that every person in the world should try to experience at least once in their lives. It's one of those moments that humbles us to how simply beautiful and stunning nature can be.

As for camp that summer, it was a great experience. I learned that summer how to be a kid. If only for one week, I thought of nothing but the fun I was having. We had late night camp fires, canoing, swimming. Everything a kid would do at camp. There were no pressures of life, no thoughts of suicide, this was a happy place. A place were life seemed to wait on the other side of the door.

When the week was over life began again. I remember the bus ride back to reality. A lot of us cried. I don't think it was because we would miss each other, instead we were sad to be going back to the lives we all left behind.

I remember one girl who had moved into the group home about 4 or 5 months after me, her name was Leona. She was 13 years old and so full of life. She was always laughing and joking around and quickly clung to some of us that were older. She became the little sister I never had. Her father had sexually molested her and raped her several times. You'd never know it by her outward bubbly personality. It was her eyes that told of the pain. A few months later she'd be gone. The next we heard of her she had been taken to Montreal by some guy and put on the streets to prostitute for him. She was 14 years old. I talked to Leona a few years later when she was 18, how she found my phone number I'll never know but she called to tell me she had 2 kids and was happy. She never did tell me whether she was still working the streets or not. I still miss the little girl I met 20 years ago.

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Just before school started that September, I was in my room at the group home packing my things to move back to my mother and step fathers thinking of all the people I would miss and all the crazy things that had happened over the last year. Marion, one of the women who worked at the home (my key councilor), came in to tell me what a pleasure it had been having me at the home and how much they were all going to miss me. She handed me a card, hugged me and left me to my packing. All the ladies that worked there, Marion, Pam, Kelley, Shelly and Lynn made a huge impact on my life. None of them ever treated you like you were different. In fact, they treated you like you were family and helped you to realize who you really were without all the baggage you originally moved in with.

Staring in at the empty room I smiled to myself. I had come so far during that year. Strong where I was once weak, confident where I was once doubting, fearless where I was once scared to death. Don't get me wrong I was still nervous of things to come, maybe even a bit scared but somehow I knew it'd be ok.

I placed the last box by the door as I waited for my ride and went and took a seat in the office to talk to Marion, Kelley, Pam and Lynn who had been in the middle of a shift change. Pam spoke up and told me that I had been the most improved and responsible girl they had had at the group home in a long time and that she was going to miss me. It was then that I decided to confess my indiscretions and sneaky behavior. Before I started I apologized for not being able to tell them sooner but hey who likes to tell on themselves. I went on to tell them of all the times I had snook out of the house to go see Dwayne or go drinking with friends or the many times I had snook Dwayne into my bedroom at night to have sex or to even stay the night a couple times. I'd never seen jaws drop like I did that day. At first I don't think they even believed me till I told them all the secrets of how I got away with everything. I was glad they ended up getting a good laugh out of it. Funny too how a couple months after I moved out the "Princess Room" I had lived in got renovated and became the new office.

********************

Moving back home wasn't all that bad. Scott almost seemed like a different person and my mother had seemed to have really missed me. There was never any mention of me leaving. It was as if the last 15 and such years hadn't happened and we were just forgiving and forgetting. I certainly didn't want to cause any tension and if this was my chance at a somewhat normal life I was taking it.

It was 1989 and my first year of High School. I knew everyone! My High School was a melting pot of almost every school I had ever gone to. Just like in my family I fit in no where. Unlike my family though I fit in everywhere. High School was a bunch of clicks, you had your rappers, your metal heads, your preppies and I knew them all. I didn't have many close friends but that was ok I emerged myself in drawing and writing poetry. Life was good. I was as happy as a teenager could be. Home was good, school was good, I had a part time job . . . the world finally felt like it had come into alignment for me.

I should have known better. Good things never lasted in my life. . . .

To Be Continued . . . .

Post your comments or email me at amanda@accordingtoamanda.com I look forward to hearing what you have to say. =)

If you like this article or any other article I've written so far why not click the Digg.com button below and let other's know what you think. Thanks!

A Newfie & His Dog

2008-10-06T17:11:00Z

Another funny one from my friend Shelley.

A Newfie & His Dog

One hot summer day, a Newfie came to town with his dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into the bar for a cold one.

Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the bar and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'

The Newfie said it was his.

'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.

The Newfie replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.

The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.'

'No way,' said the Newfie. 'That dog don't need bread. She ain't hungry cause I fed her this mornin'.'

The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand; your dog wants to have sex!'

The Newfie looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead . . . I always wanted a police dog.'

LMFAO =)

Amanda

Today & My Mom

2008-09-30T22:13:00Z

Today I received a message through facebook from my cousin Melissa that read as follows:

Hey cousin. i was talkin to Aunt Brenda and she really misses you. i think you would make her year just by giving her a call, she loves you and she loves her grand daughters. she hopes you can find it in your heart to forgive her. you're a mom, what would you do if you were in Aunt B's situation? wouldn't you want your kids to call you?

love ya always,

Melissa

Melissa and I don't really know each other. Just what our own family have told us of each other. She is 12 years younger than I am and since I was never really part of the family many of my cousins never got to know me or anything I was about. Nor did any of them know about any of the things I have written here in my blog. Hence the plea for me to call my mother I suppose. Just a note Melissa if you read this, not trying to be mean but I didn't care to know. I was happy living life without knowledge of how much my mother was hurting.

Here's my message back to Melissa:

Hey Melissa.

It's nice of you to want to try to fix my mother and I's relationship. You don't really know me and I'm sure you assume this to be an easy thing to fix. It's not. You know my mother, her illnesses, and you want to see her happy. I understand that.

Yes. I'm a mom and of course I would want my kids to call me. My relationship with my daughters is much different than that of the one with my mother. I actually have a relationship with my daughters. My daughters are also number ONE in my life. I was last in my mothers life.

Your lucky Melissa. You have a family. I never had a family. My mother was taken from me at the age of nine. I was never invited to Birthdays, holidays, not even Christmas. I had to create my own family which, thanks to God I have finally been able to accomplish. Perhaps in your moments of boredom you could go read my blog and maybe understand a small amount of what it was like growing up me. www.accordingtoamanda.com

Your a sweet girl and I'm sorry that my mother has to feel that pain of losing a daughter. Think to yourself though. Is she sad that I no longer talk to her or is the guilt of turning her back me so many years ago finally come to give her the pain that her daughter has had to deal with for so many years, alone.

Thank you for letting me know that my mother is thinking of me.

Tell your mother hello for me.

Sincerely,
Amanda

For many years my mother has been sick. She has Manic Depression or Bipolar disorder, Lupus and Diabetes. For the most part, the only reason I kept my mother in my life for so long. Or maybe is was the desperate attempt of a daughter to cling to the idea that her mother may someday be a mother.

Well mom, that never happened did it.

About a month before I moved I asked my mother for help. You can imagine, I haven't asked my mother for much help over the years. When I talked to her about the favor I needed from her I specifically told her NOT to mention it to Scott, my stepfather. I knew that if he knew I needed anything from my mother he'd make sure that it didn't happen. To my surprise my mother agreed to the terms and to help me. The day it came down to it, I picked her up just to hear her tell me she couldn't do it cause she told Scott and he said no. I should have known better than to try to rely on my mother for anything.

At first I was disappointed and told my mother not to worry about it. The more I thought about it though the more I realized that she had NEVER helped me with anything. Not with cooking my first meal, to boys and dating to protecting me from the fucking monster she called her husband. NOTHING! So what kind of fucking brain fart was I having the day I thought she'd help me, for real.

None the less. I dropped her off that day after treating her to lunch and haven't spoke to her since.

Today was the first of my mother I've heard of and it's been over a year.

Don't get me wrong. I love my mother despite everything. I just learned to remove the negativity from your life no matter what or who it may be to be able to move on stronger and happier.

Am I going to call her? I don't know. I was thinking about what I should do. I don't want to get into all the years of pain I hold within with her. She doesn't need that. Perhaps I will write my mother a letter and send her pictures. I'll think about everything and decide when I decide.

Your Dream

2008-09-16T01:34:00Z

Someone may have stolen your dream when it was young and fresh and you were innocent

Anger is natural.

Grief is appropriate.

Healing is mandatory.

Restoration is possible.

"Jane Rubietta"

=)

About Me - Part 14

2008-09-08T17:50:00Z

By my 15th Birthday I had completely adapted to my life at the group home. The girls I lived with became my sisters and the staff more like family than strangers that worked with me. My key worker, Marion was like the Aunt I never had. I was able to talk to her more than I had ever talked to another woman in my life before. She helped me with many things and I thought it was important to mention how great I thought and still think this woman was. I thank her for being there and helping me on my journey.

Life wasn't always sunshine and rainbows at the home but it was more like a normal home than the house I had come from. I never had to worry about people being angry and losing their temper with me. I never had to worry about being hit or yelling at me. Yes, there were fights but more like the way sisters fight. I loved all the girls that lived in the group home. Some stick out in my head more than others but they all have a special place in my heart.

My father became very involved in my life. Taking me to ball games with him. Going out for coffee. Driving me to school dances and to my boyfriend Dwayne's house. He has always had a problem showing love but never once missed an opportunity to tell me he loved me with a hug and a kiss on the cheek. I finally had the dad I always wanted.

Within that year, I built a good relationship with my father, ruined the relationship I had with Dwayne who ended up calling me fat and dating my friend Rhonda, started my first job slinging coffee at Tim Horton's, and grew up a little to fast for any 15 year old girl.

Before Dwayne and I broke up I tried to get pregnant. My rationalization was that if I had a baby, that the baby would love me unconditionally. Messed up? Yes it was. But I was so desperate for that kind of love I didn't think about things such as how I would finish school or how I would provide for a baby. I could only think of the good things that come along with having a child. It was probably best that Dwayne and I broke up when we did. I would have managed to ruin both our young lives. Dwayne broke my heart but not because we broke up, after all I ended it with him trying to manipulate a situation. It was because he was mean to me once we were no longer a couple. He dated my friend and then isolated me, calling me fat and never once said nice things about me once we broke up. I don't think he ever realized how much or how deeply I loved him. I never thought or talked badly about him. I secretly wished for many years afterwords that we would get back together. Even on my wedding day to my first husband I remember day-dreaming about him showing up at the church and proclaiming his undying love for me. Of course it never happened. He moved on as did I. I only hope that he found all the happiness he deserved.

The summer came and with it my new job and my big move back to my mother's house. Sometime during the month of July my mother decided that she wanted her "family" back together. Once again God has moved her to want to be a mother and Scott, my step father, wanted to try being a father again. Not that either of them had really ever succeeded at it. I was given the choose by Fawna, my social worker. I could move home or stay in the system. I made a bad chose. I moved back home.

To be continued . . .